My Blog

while ‘trying’ to study for our finals tomorrow, i watched the video our professor had shown us during one of his lectures. it’s about Steve Jobs giving a speech to a graduating batch in stanford…and something he said got me distracted. (too distracted that i had not gone back to studying yet after 4 hours. haha!)

he said that ‘death is one of life’s greatest inventions’. it gave him the courage to take risks.  ”remembering that you are going to die is the best way i know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. ”

he wakes up every morning and asks himself: if today were the last day of my life, would i want to do what i’m about to do today? and whenever the answer had been no for too many days in a row, he knew something was wrong.

then i asked myself the same question…and i just could not say yes. things don’t seem right. nor do they feel right. but it’s so frustrating because it feels that i’m stuck. i guess i never really wanted-wanted this…but back then, i didn’t know what i wanted. i had to simply make a decision. my heart was never excited, but as it turned out to be not so bad, i had just let things flow. i accepted whatever came, until finally, i had fooled myself into thinking that this was the path im meant for.

but on days like these when i see others doing what they really want to do, i can’t help but hear my heart. why can i not do the same?

someday, i will be able to follow my heart, too. it will be liberating. it will be fun. and maybe then, when i will need my brain to focus, it will. i can’t wait.

it has certainly been ages since my last post. i actually already forgot i had a blog. well, here i am, revisiting the many memories kept safely in the previous posts.

i can’t help but miss the old days. it’s so different now. i can’t say life was better then. life is really good now, too. but looking back, i kind of think time had passed too quickly. i’m more than halfway through college when high school still seems like yesterday. 

i miss wearing my uniform. i miss sitting on the floor with friends waiting for the guard to call my name. i miss my friends.

now, we’re on different paths. hopefully, we’re all on the track we’re supposed to be on. hopefully, we’re all truly happy. some of us will become nurses soon. some will study more to become doctors. some, engineers, architects, business people, artists, etcetera. it’s amazing how we all were simply praying so hard to pass algebra or filipino.

this is now. we are changed individuals. we need to be more responsible, independent, serious, smart…there are so many things we are already capable of doing by ourselves. it’s crazy. but God knows how we’d long to go back to when we can be dependent, irresponsible, incapable, carefree and ignorant…because then, there wasn’t much we needed to think about…nor had we so much to look back on and miss. we had our whole lives ahead of us…now, we’re tasting life bit by bit. every choice is tied with greater consequences. every mistake creates larger dents. every fall hurts so, so much more. we actually already have to think for our future because it’s coming very soon…and it isn’t just ‘okay, i’ll settle with this for now until i can really decide’ anymore. we have to make serious life decisions…by ourselves!

but how am i supposed to do that when choosing between a green or purple pen is already hard enough? sigh, i miss how i could put myself in the unthinkingness state. being alone in my room makes me think too much!